Marriage and Money – Giving Your Partner A Choice

Posted by The Happy Rock on April 13, 2009

The Rockette and I were traveling to our in-law’s house and we were having an informal marriage budget meeting. It was the perfect time to bring up a few new areas that we could grow our giving. I failed.

I failed at including my wife in a way that gave her any input. I failed, because I assumed I had the right answers all worked out. I failed, because I acted as if I just needed her approval on my right answer. I failed because I didn’t value her input or perspective. I failed at a chance to draw us closer, instead I was building a wall between us.

Here is how the conversation went :

The Happy Rock : I was thinking about expanding our giving.

The Rockete : Really

The Happy Rock : I would like sponsor a child at Urban Promise, an after school program in Camden New Jersey, and I also want to increase our support for my best friend from college.

FAIL

You might be thinking that there wasn’t anything wrong with that statement, but let’s dissect it a little further. The Rockette only has two real choices: agree with my idea or shoot down my idea. This is especially true considering my tone reflected my confidence about the decision. She knew I wasn’t really asking for her input. She had no say and it wasn’t the first time I presented ideas this way There wasn’t any room for her opinion on what to do with our limited resources. I wasn’t asking what she thought and that is the key point. Include your spouse and be willing to have you mind changed. Leave room for them to have an opinion that is different than yours and use the multiple perspectives to arrive at an even better decision and a closer relationship.

The Rockette handled it well and politely requested I ask in a way that gave her a choice. I quasi-quickly apologized and then instantly rephrased the statement to be a question. I said, “what do you think about giving to Urban promise and increasing our support for our friends from college?”. Subtle change, but extremely different in its tone and respect for my wife. She was quite agreeable as I suspected she would be and then we had a very pleasent discussion about the above material. Disaster averted, giving increased, and a closer connection fostered.

Treat your partner like they matter.

» Filed Under Marriage, Marriage(Communication), Serving Others

What Is Your Purchase Personality?

Posted by The Happy Rock on September 4, 2008

As I struggle to resist the temptation to snag a snack from the vending machine during my ingredient month, I began thinking about how different personalities chose what to eat at vending machine or even at a restaurant. This led me to identify five distinct purchasing personalities. The purchase decision at a vending machine or a restaurant serves as concrete situation to help us think about our own purchase personality. We all can probably be any one of these at different times and in different situations, but the question is what personality are you most of the time.

The Lavisher – This is the person who figures that I am here and spending money so I might as well seize the day and get the best most decadent choice available. This is the person who buys the king size Snickers for $1.25, or the Surf and Turf.

The Quality Inspector - This is the person who is willing to pay a little more to get the best quality or the best experience. They buy the bag of trail mix from the vending machine, because it is the healthiest choice. They ask the wait staff what the house recommends so that they can sample the most popular dish or a beautiful bedroom set that would survive a bombing so that they can hand it down to their children.
The Bargaineer - This is the person who always tries to get the cheapest deal. This is the person who chooses not based on what they might like the best, but gauges what they will like the best based on how much of a bargain it is. This is the person who buys the pop-tarts for $0.80, because they get two. They get the huge combo platter because it has the most food.

The Middle Man - This is the person who tries to find a middle ground between their preference, quality, and a bargain. They end up with the Reese’s Cups for $0.75 or the special at a restaurant because it is a little cheaper yet still interesting.

The Refrainer – This is the personality that figures they can save the most money by not partaking. They can’t justify paying 200% mark up on an item when they can get 10 for the price of 4 at Sam’s Club. Instead of getting a dinner they get water, share an appetizer, and wait to have people’s leftovers.

I am definitely a Bargaineer. So much so that I can often over think even a small purchase and rob myself of actually enjoying the situation and living in the moment. I am almost never The Lavisher, but I am starting to become more of a Quality Inspector in certain situations. I am married to Quality Inspector and I have really come to appreciate the Rockette’s personality and she mine. It helps create a formidable team. I know that I am much more joyful and willing to spend money on great experiences and products and she is willing to curb some spending in order to focus on bigger more important goals.

Giving a little thought to your own purchase personality can go a long way towards understanding, changing, and controlling your spending. So what type of purchase personality are you? Do you have your own special category?

» Filed Under Marriage, Materialism, Personal Finance, Psychology of Spending

Sleep Your Way To Better Finances

Posted by The Happy Rock on April 25, 2008

With the car breaking down on Sunday and still having a ton of work to do for the 149th Carnival of PF, I ended up only getting 8 hours of sleep on Sunday night. I can survive, and ten years ago I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. The thing I noticed for the next 48-72 hours was how much that lack of sleep effected my whole life. I was much more pessimistic, less energetic, less patient, less productive, and grumpy. Since I have been getting fairly consistent sleep for about two years, I didn’t realize how good I felt. I have even felt more energetic and rested since I went mostly vegetarian and have been eating healthier. When we constantly deprive ourselves of sleep we tend to acclimate to limitations on how we feel, how we act, and how much we can get done. Changes, both positive and negative, take a while to show themselves. During that time we easily forget how we feel until we experience something different sometime down the road. Those differences can have a huge impact on every area of our lives, espcially our finances. Below is a list of ways that our finances can be directly affected by lack of sleep:

Increased food costs. When we are tired we tend to eat out a lot more or by more expensive pre -packaged food.
Increased risk of accidents and sickness. This includes driving and normal around the house type injuries. These types of setbacks can cost money for medical services and oppurtunity cost at work and other endeavors.
Lower self control. The lack of control can lead to increased extraneous spending and debt.
Lack of energy and productivity. This means no energy to sell stuff on eBay or Amazon or to invest in other extra income tasks, perform well at work, or invest in budgeting and financial planning and learning.
Lose of creativity and intellectual prowess. Have you been stuck on how to solve a money problem? Well, research shows you really could find the answer in your sleep.
Grumpiness and impatience with others. This means less communication and teamwork in a marriage or with people who can keep you accountable. It means less satisfying relationship which will directly effect happiness and ultimately your wallet.
Pessimism and depression. In just a few days, I saw how quickly my outlook was effected in negative ways. Getting out of debt and having financial discipline isn’t easy and you need all the help you can muster.

So next time that you want to stay up late to watch some movie you have seen 5 times already, play a Wii game, or spend some not so productive time on the internet, remember what it might cost you. Some of you may be thinking that it doesn’t matter how much sleep you get because you feel about the same no matter what. I will tell you that I used to feel the same way, until with the Rockette’s help, I was able to consistently go to bed and wake up at similar times for an extended period(months). I didn’t realize how good I had been feeling, until I didn’t get enough sleep and felt like my old self again. If you are getting around 8 hours of sleep consistently and you still feel bad, it might be worth having some sleep tests done to make sure there aren’t any apnea or other sleep issues.

There is plenty of research on the benefits of sleep, but I don’t think we even need to go there. In my experience a little experimentation and anecdotal evidence will give us all the ‘research’ we need. Solve your sleep problems and your finances will most likely show a marked improvement.

» Filed Under Careers, Debt Elimination, Happiness, Health, Marriage, Spending

Principles in Action #2 : Accountability and Friends Can Save Your Finances

Posted by The Happy Rock on October 12, 2007

This is the second post in the principles in action series that will illuminate a practical application of a positive life principal. The first in the series addressed treating others like they have value.

The advertisement @ the Clever Dude was about the 100th time I had been bombarded with the free $250 for opening an American Express Business Rewards Gold Card offer, and I was finally ready to give in and get the money. I usually stay away from signing up for credit card schemes or opening a new savings account at every bank with a good intro offer. I just don’t think these schemes are usually worth the stress, effort, hassle, and most importantly they rob my attention from tasks that I deem more valuable to our overall health and wealth. That offer didn’t fit into our financial plan when we were getting out of debt and still doesn’t, but my resolve was finally beaten down past the point I could handle.

Over dinner I mentioned the offer to The Happy Rockette and asked her opinion. She politely said, don’t worry about it. It wasn’t our style, and her resolve wasn’t waning. She knew our plan and our values, and this wasn’t part of it. Two seconds after hearing that, I snapped back to reality and said ‘you’re right, what was I thinking’. The blinders had lifted, and I was back on track.

The principle here is to involve yourself with people in your life who will keep you accountable. People who will gracefully smack you around, and say you are being silly when they know you have lost your way. During the long haul of climbing out of debt, this is an utter necessity. You will lose focus and self control. At some point life will undoubtedly give you more than you can handle. The trick is to admit ahead of time and plan for it. Start building that support network now.

» Filed Under Accountability, Credit Cards, Debt Elimination, Friends, Marriage, Principles In Action

Marriage and Money – The Budget Meeting

Posted by The Happy Rock on September 6, 2007

What often happens in marriages with combined finances is that one person will assume control the finances. They pay the bills, watch the accounts, and retain all of the money know how. In our family that is me. Being the analytical numbers guy, I willingly take on that task. On of the pitfalls of combing finances is that one person often ends up with all the power. Power doesn’t have to just mean setting rules, but it can also mean bearing the financial stress and controlling information. The other spouse often becomes oblivious to the actual amounts and inner workings of the accounts, and with that they lose their ability to provide their input and insight. This can wreck havoc on a marriage, but seems to happen all to often. Most times it starts out as innocent ‘sharing’ of duties, but ends in financial disaster.

Let’s look at one tool that helps couples handle their money and finances in marriage. For The Happy Rockette and I, we try to avoid that ugly path by having a monthly budget/finances meeting. It is not as scary as it sounds, what the meeting boils down to is laying all the financial cards on the table and talking about them. If you don’t have a budget, please don’t feel like you need one to talk about your finances.

You can vary the meeting frequency depending on the current state of the finances. If you are deep in debt and the stress is high, meet every week or every other week. If things are in cruise control skipping a month isn’t a big deal.

For us the meeting is usually scheduled for one of our many hour long car rides. To start the meeting, bring a current snapshot of the finances. I usually print the account summary page from Quicken or Microsoft Money. Bank and credit card statements or a spreadsheet print out would be perfect too. From there The Rockette will look things over, and make sure she is comfortable with everything. If she has ideas or questions, we will talk it through and come up with a plan together.

Subjects can vary from long term goals, to the budget for groceries, to 401k contributions, vacations, or whatever needs to be discussed related to money. Any actions that need to be taken are recorded and ‘assigned’ to one of us, so that they can be reviewed at the next meeting.

If there is a point of contention, we try to respect each others opinion and reschedule the discussion on the hot topic after we have had some time to think. We usually try to keep the meeting short, 15-30 minutes. If it runs longer than that, we will either follow up later, or wait until next month.

That’s a brief summary of what a monthly money meeting looks like. For us it has been a wonderful tool for handling our money together in marriage.

Here is a list of the benefits that it has brought to our marriage:

Openness/No Hiding
Valuable Communication
Multiple Viewpoints and Insights
Sharing of Financial Stress and Decisions
Diffusion of Power
Accountability
Unity

What tools are you using to strengthen your financial situation in your relationships?

» Filed Under About Me, Marriage, Marriage(Communication), Productivity(Financial)

Save Money On Your Wedding By Focusing On the Big Picture

Posted by The Happy Rock on June 5, 2007

Sorry to disappoint, but this isn’t your ‘how to save money on your photographer type post, or ‘how to cut wedding costs’. Just as understanding what our cars say about us can save us a bunch of money on car purchases, remembering this key tip can shave thousands off your wedding bill

The commitment of two adults choosing to share their lives together forever, is the BIG DEAL

The trend seems to be for weddings to become more and more lavish, even to the point couples are willing to take on $10,000+ in debt to live up to some external standard for what a good wedding should be. A wedding isn’t about the flowers, the dress, personalized gifts, or the DJ. It is about two people making a life-long commitment to one another. Our consumerist culture does play a big part in the spending trend, but so does the fact that weddings aren’t a big transition for a lot of people. In the days of live-in boyfriends and combined finances in dating, a wedding doesn’t signify a huge change in people’s lives. With the reduced significance for the wedding day, we like good Americans, try to imbue meaning into the event by spending.

For my wife and I, our values lead us to do things traditionally. Long courtship (2 years), long engagement (2 years), no living together, no sex, and no shared finances. Marriage represented a radical change to us. In the end we paid $10,000 cash for a beautiful catered wedding. The stress wasn’t too much and the celebration was significant and meaningful. While we planned the external events of the wedding, we also tried to pay attention to the internal journey that marriage represented. We devoted significant time to prepare internally for the change that we were embarking on. The celebration was awesome, but the act of getting married was much much better. It is hard to quantify, but I suspect that our financial and life circumstances, along with our values saved us thousands of dollars on our wedding. Our union was the big deal, not the chocolate fountain and amazing ice sculpture we could have had.

Inspired by an interview with Rebecca Mead.

» Filed Under Marriage, Marriage(Communication), Materialism, Weddings

How to move a rock! Part 2

Posted by The Happy Rock on April 25, 2007

The second book that changed my life is :

Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before (and After) You Marry

My wife and I read through this book and workbooks on our own while in college. We both thoroughly enjoyed it. Again it is quite a simple read, and has a decidedly Christian slant in the last chapter. My wife and I both wanted to connect and create a solid foundation going into our marriage, and this is a way that we could agree on. This book facilitated some very interesting conversations, and caused us to learn a lot about each other even though we had been dating for years. It helped shape our expectations heading into marriage, and deepened our relationship. Putting in some extra effort up front has paid amazing dividends. My marriage and family continue to be a wellspring of life and joy that compliments my goals in life.

This book made the list, because it was the first time that I not only desired to grow, but also took the initiative to find information to aid my growth. I was learning humility. It was a good lesson to realize that even if you can do tasks on your own, it may not be the most effective way. Many people much smarter then me have spent their lives researching their areas of expertise, and I should leverage their work. Reinventing the wheel and retracing their steps is not a valuable use of time. This doesn’t preclude challenging popular opinion and creating your own ideas.

Here is the link to the eBook version at Google.

-HappyRock

» Filed Under Favorite Books, Marriage